I read this last week but seems like my comment didn’t go thru! It was a great read, and I’m super curious to read more about your world!
I would have preferred to find more of what made this world unique in the first couple of minutes of the read, because I’m sure there’s a lot that stands out, it just came later on the story
Thank you so much Luis! I'm trying not to info-dump or make the exposition too crowded, but I do hope to have built the world up more in the reader's mind by the end of the first sequence. The next scene has already been published if you'd like to check it out!
I gave this a read because my good friend Andrew shared it. So, I saved it and sat down to explore it.
I decided that a hastily written phone comment wouldn't be nearly sufficient and pulled out my laptop to write this instead.
Your command of the senses is fantastic, Kyle. Very well done. I'm not expert, but I tend to write very purple as well and do so for the love of it, for the grounding effect it has on our readers. Today's fantasy is sanitized for fried tik-tok brains, and that's fine, too, but something in me still craves the old ways, you know?
Anyway, I know you didn't ask me, but I wanted to point out something here that I find in my own work.
When we are gifted with the purple, sometimes, we let it flow without true purpose. And I don't mean that your words serve no purpose, but rather that they serve no narrative purpose. Let me give an example, as that's the easiest way:
"Ruka lay in a place where Heaven would not be denied. Ancient trees, hundreds of feet tall like sentries in the dark, aspired tirelessly to meet the hosts in the air yet fell hopelessly short, far off of the sky’s boundary. Nonetheless, they shone with care, painting the frostbitten ground with foreign brilliant hues—colors he had no name for but which stirred in him a familiar longing. The ice itself might have danced in response."
This is beautiful, but it doesn't give us any payoff later. The way to rectify this, I've found, is to connect the opening to a pivotal moment (such as the growth of the plant at the end). We see Ruka's fondness for the world and its beauty, we just don't see the common thread between the events in the story.
And one other thing I noticed, briefly, was some exposition regarding spell-swords. You restrained yourself well with the tensing of the guards, but then came out and said it. You don't even need to tell us, because they ask Ruka for proof anyway. The reader will piece together that Ruka has some command of magic. He also might not offer more explanation than the guards deserve.
You handled the scene well, especially in how their tunes change, which let's us know that these people are feared and respected. The why will reveal itself later. Trust yourself.
Once again, you didn't ask, and please feel free to delete this comment, but I want to help lift up other writers so we ALL improve - whatever improvement means to you.
Thank you so much for both the kind words AS WELL as the criticism. I’m well aware my writing isn’t perfect (it’s below the standards I’d like to hold for myself even) but improvement is something that comes with time. Your criticism — as well as you having taken the time to read it — couldn’t be more appreciated.
There are a thousand improvements I could make in my own stuff! So, no worries there. The only reason I say anything is because it is obvious you have the gift.
I read this last week but seems like my comment didn’t go thru! It was a great read, and I’m super curious to read more about your world!
I would have preferred to find more of what made this world unique in the first couple of minutes of the read, because I’m sure there’s a lot that stands out, it just came later on the story
Looking forward to read more!
Thank you so much Luis! I'm trying not to info-dump or make the exposition too crowded, but I do hope to have built the world up more in the reader's mind by the end of the first sequence. The next scene has already been published if you'd like to check it out!
Nice work man, keep it up!
Thank you 😁
I gave this a read because my good friend Andrew shared it. So, I saved it and sat down to explore it.
I decided that a hastily written phone comment wouldn't be nearly sufficient and pulled out my laptop to write this instead.
Your command of the senses is fantastic, Kyle. Very well done. I'm not expert, but I tend to write very purple as well and do so for the love of it, for the grounding effect it has on our readers. Today's fantasy is sanitized for fried tik-tok brains, and that's fine, too, but something in me still craves the old ways, you know?
Anyway, I know you didn't ask me, but I wanted to point out something here that I find in my own work.
When we are gifted with the purple, sometimes, we let it flow without true purpose. And I don't mean that your words serve no purpose, but rather that they serve no narrative purpose. Let me give an example, as that's the easiest way:
"Ruka lay in a place where Heaven would not be denied. Ancient trees, hundreds of feet tall like sentries in the dark, aspired tirelessly to meet the hosts in the air yet fell hopelessly short, far off of the sky’s boundary. Nonetheless, they shone with care, painting the frostbitten ground with foreign brilliant hues—colors he had no name for but which stirred in him a familiar longing. The ice itself might have danced in response."
This is beautiful, but it doesn't give us any payoff later. The way to rectify this, I've found, is to connect the opening to a pivotal moment (such as the growth of the plant at the end). We see Ruka's fondness for the world and its beauty, we just don't see the common thread between the events in the story.
And one other thing I noticed, briefly, was some exposition regarding spell-swords. You restrained yourself well with the tensing of the guards, but then came out and said it. You don't even need to tell us, because they ask Ruka for proof anyway. The reader will piece together that Ruka has some command of magic. He also might not offer more explanation than the guards deserve.
You handled the scene well, especially in how their tunes change, which let's us know that these people are feared and respected. The why will reveal itself later. Trust yourself.
Once again, you didn't ask, and please feel free to delete this comment, but I want to help lift up other writers so we ALL improve - whatever improvement means to you.
Either way, I'll be tuning in!
Thank you so much for both the kind words AS WELL as the criticism. I’m well aware my writing isn’t perfect (it’s below the standards I’d like to hold for myself even) but improvement is something that comes with time. Your criticism — as well as you having taken the time to read it — couldn’t be more appreciated.
There are a thousand improvements I could make in my own stuff! So, no worries there. The only reason I say anything is because it is obvious you have the gift.
Great job, Kyle! Loved the ending of this scene. Definitely hooked me to want to learn more about Ruka and his story.
Thank you Thomas!